A few new moons ago had me pulling “worth” from the moon deck – teaching your inner negative Nancy to be more supportive, and freeing yourself from critical thoughts towards body and worth. I honestly felt that I didn’t need that work. However, as I took the time to pay more attention to how I saw and spoke of myself, I realized that I did – the deflecting, the pulling away from affection, the joking self deprecation, and even my lack of caring for myself on most days.
I was having trouble making peace with my new form. My body and self worth had indeed changed. In this new I cannot be as spry, my sleepless habits can be read in the lines on my face, and I am quite a bit rounder than I have ever been. Yes, I had been quietly shaming myself for longer than I cared to admit.
Over the next few weeks, I started the process of organizing most of that which makes up my day to day in order to simplify and take back my worth inside and out. I started in the closet (because we all know it’s the clothes fault I feel hideous and unkempt).. bonus points for less laundry. Also, the boss made the comment to me that “we all know you don’t care about your appearance” – ouch!
This may be somewhat true as I do have an hour commute that is incredibly hard on my body after waking up in fibro pain.. so at 5 am in the morning I am not always concerned about my makeup. Don’t get me wrong, I care.. and I love my eyeshadow but honestly we are quite lucky I manage to put on pants most days (i.e. suck it, when your entire body feels constantly beaten then you can complain about my lack of lipstick). I tried not to let it get to me and told him that I was glad my self esteem didn’t rely on his opinions.
I am slowly moving to making better food choices and have been doing my yoga every morning. I am keeping up with my meditations. I spend as much free time as I can in the garden teeny. I have also incorporated some simple ritual into my morning quiet daily because my spiritual is very important to me.
A habit I have gotten into in order to deal with Miss Nancy is to carry around a small notebook in which to write what she says to me. I find this an excellent way to address why she is being such a see-you-next-Tuesday and deep dive into what is causing her to be so mean. Once I realize she is mumbling something hideous, I immediately say “STOP!” , open the notebook, and jot down her commentary.
Later, I will take time to read it back and ask myself how it makes me feel. I explore what reasoning this has, what triggered it, and try to remember a time when this may have occurred before. What is my earliest memory where something happened to make me feel this way.? When did this become a part of how I identified my self worth? How could this have happened differently in a manner that was more supportive? What did I need in that moment?
Often, I will then write the statement to reflect a more positive look at it, what challenge this brings me, and even how I thought things should have been. I do this as often as necessary until Miss Nancy understands that I refuse to accept her mean girl mentality and that I choose to offer love in its place.
I also begin my day with a small sun ritual to bring in some light and warmth. I find it sets the tone before I start my meditation and helps me to focus on a brighter start.
In the quiet place before my ancestors, I settle comfortably on my cushion. I have a candle, usually something seasonal to honor nature’s cycles, sitting in front of me. I spray myself with my meditation spray, breathe deeply, and speak to greet the day – “in flame, in fire, light that warms my soul, sacred sun”. I then light the candle. In the flame’s warmth, I take up my Mala beads, close my eyes, and move into meditation.