suck it up nancy

I was laying on the floor crying. I had decided that I was a floor person now and this was my new life. I was ready to give up. The husband hovered and the hospital inquiry was hanging in the air. Absolutely not, I told him.. this was not my first rodeo.

Days before, my back muscles were painful along the two sides of my spine from my bra strap to my waist. I felt it both internally and in the muscles when I loved. Then the skin became sore to the touch and felt swollen.. nothing visual, the husband checked. I worried.. kidneys? lungs? another flare plus some added new bonuses? Sometimes it can be hard to judge when you have fibro.. the tendency is to automatically assume it’s that but you can just never be sure until it becomes a regular occurrence. i decided to wait it out.

I had forgotten my meds the day before and had woken with more pain that morning of. My body was very shaky and I was feeling loopy.. this is not unusual if I miss. I still went to work. By the time I started cooking dinner my back was screaming, so I decided to lay in the floor.. which usually helps the pain. Once I rolled to get up however, my torso felt like it was exploding. This was when the crying and the husband hovering ensued. I get so tired of the constant pain.

It was right there when I had the thought, “suck it up Nancy, we are not going out this way” – negative Nancy and I argue a lot. So I got my sad little shaky arms under me and, trying not to vomit, I managed to get up all by myself.

I didn’t forget my meds that night and I didn’t forget my vitamins. I even had an extra elderberry gummi in a gesture of defiance.. and four mini dark chocolate peanut butter cups. I figure I earned them.. super powers and all.

In all that fuss of feeling sorry for myself, I had missed my moon ritual. The next morning, I lit a candle and shuffled my moon deck. I pulled the card of dreams. What do I dream of? Well, currently I dream of not getting stuck in the floor like an ancient. I must take better care of my vessel.

Published by morgan michelle

a journey of self and finding happiness in the small moments

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